Halleluja! Welcome to the Museum of God-Did-It

Lee Parry discovers that everything he thought he knew about life on Earth was a lie during a short visit to Kentucky’s Creation Museum

Everything I thought I knew was a lie. All this talk of “evolution” and “geology” and “palaeontology” and pretty much any other “–ology” you’d care to mention is a fabrication of atheists, infidels and other godless types trying to destroy the Word of God.

All it took was a visit to Petersburg, Kentucky’s eye-opening Creation Museum, where the lies and machinations of modern science were torn apart using two things: simple mathematics and the Bible.

During my few hours at the Creation Museum, here’s what I learnt…

Dating the Earth using first-year mathematics is easy

“Fossils”, a plaque early on into my tour advised, “don’t come with tags on that tell us how old they are. We have to study the clues we find to try to figure out their ages.” So far, so good. These Creationists are actually sounding pretty rational —

“Clue #1: God was there at the beginning and He wrote down in the Bible when and how He made everything.”

I thought the Jews started writing the Bible circa 1000BC, but you live and learn.

“Clue #2: The Bible says that God created everything in six days. He created people and land animals on Day 6. Dinosaurs are land animals, so they were created on Day 6.”

“Clue #3: Adam was the first man. He was created on Day 6. By adding up the ages of Adam, his sons, their sons and so on, we see that the age of the Earth is about 6,000 years old.”

I’m not saying God is an irrational psychotic autocrat, but war crimes tribunals have been set up for less

And there you go. I don’t know what all these geologists are on about carbon-dating things and checking the age of rocks and so on and so forth: the answer’s right there in the Bible. We can safely sack off geography as a school subject at this point: all you need to calculate the age of the world are some simple sums.

The wages of sin

Next up was a hard, critical look at the modern world and the consequences of abandoning God. The Creation Museum pulled no punches as it spelled out exactly the causes of school shooting sprees, famine, disease, death and suffering the world over.

In this section were a number of videos surrounded by scary images of hellfire. The first had this description underneath:

“The boy in the background is on a ‘killing spree’ in his video game. His older brother is looking at Internet pornography and has a bag of drugs.”

Most of the big teenage problems covered in one fell swoop in this one. What kind of drugs? Penicillin? Vick’s Vapo-Rub? We’ll never know.

picture

Next up: a frank and sobering look at the world of teenage pregnancy.

“A teenage girl is telling her friend on the phone that she is pregnant. She wants to ‘get this fixed’. In other words, she is considering an abortion.”

Those pesky teenage girls, getting knocked up for fun and then having abortions like they’re post-coital condoms!

I know what you’re thinking: it might seem like more effective sex education, access to contraceptives and an honest admission that teenagers are going to have sex would go some way to alleviating the problem. But you’re wrong. All that’s needed is that this girl lives with her drunken teenage mistake for life by marrying the future-spouse-abusing football player she banged after prom and raising a dysfunctional, neglected, resentful child into a life of serial murder.

Following this was a look at conduct unbecoming of a wife:

“This wife complains about her husband, the pastor’s wife, and others. Her attitude and words show envy, backbiting behaviour, disrespect, as well as a lack of involvement in her children’s lives.”

This might initially seem a bit misogynistic, but that’s only because you didn’t read the plaque about women being born to ‘different roles’ because they were made out of Adam’s rib.

Now that that’s cleared up, ladies, we can talk about this harridan’s awful behaviour: she complains instead of shutting up and putting up like a good wife. She is envious and ‘disrespectful’, presumably to the men from whom she was made as a kind of divine afterthought. And she’s uninvolved in her children’s lives, as presumably her husband is, but he’s got a penis and football games to watch and beer to drink, am I right?

Cosmology for dummies

One of the best things about the Creation Museum is just how easy it makes everything. Your teachers (unless you were already home-schooled using this charming, accessible worldview) filled your head with a lot of nonsense about evolutionary biology and thermodynamics and geology and other things that do nothing but make an A*, like, well, hard to get.

The Creation Museum is here to set this straight with a section that’s pretty much a FAQ for Creationism.

How did Adam personally name every one of the billions of species on Earth?

Billions? That’s impossible, dummy! Adam named only birds, cattle and ‘beasts of the field’, and didn’t bother naming ‘beasts of the earth’ or ‘creeping things’. I know, I know — that still probably leaves hundreds of thousands of species to name at the very least — that’s why Adam only named kinds, which apparently correspond to modern animal families. This, according to the Creationists, would ‘require only a few hours, at most’.

What did dinosaurs eat?

The Creation museum is glad you asked, because they’ve got an answer for this as well:

“Before man’s Fall, animals were vegetarians. In a ‘very good creation’, no animals would die, so there were no carnivores. All the beasts of the earth, not just the ‘beasts of the field’ that God brought to Adam to name, ate only plants.”

No word on why God decided to equip dinosaurs previously thought to be carnivorous, such as T-rexes and Deinonychus, with massive claws and banks of murderous teeth. Presumably “mysterious ways” and all that.

Why does suffering/death/ageing/famine/pestilence exist?

There were several plaques dedicated to this one, but the crux of it is this: Adam was a bad person and you are being made to suffer because of it. You see, Adam was put in a perfect, beautiful garden with everything he could ever want, but he wasn’t allowed to touch the tree of knowledge right in the middle of Eden. When he inevitably did, God decided quite rationally that the entirety of humankind was to be punished for all eternity for Adam’s transgression.

This is the equivalent of putting a jar of cookies in a child’s bedroom and telling them they are never, ever allowed to eat the delicious cookies. When they eat one of the cookies, not only is the child punished for their crime, but every single one of their ancestors are also punished for the rest of eternity because great-great-granddad nicked a cookie. This is what is known as “completely batshit-mental sociopathic child abuse”.

How Russell Crowe saved the world from itself

The penultimate section concerns itself with Noah (Russell Crowe) and how he came to deliver the earth from its own wickedness and iniquity during the Great Flood.

You might wonder, as a rational, right-thinking and probably moral human being, why God decided to murder every single living creature on the face of the planet. The Creationists have got you covered again:

“Human violence was worldwide, so judgment had to be worldwide. Animal violence was everywhere, so animals everywhere had to be destroyed. All land was cursed, so all land had to be cleansed.”

To recap: the loving and all-powerful Christian God created everything, put an irresistible temptation in the home of His one self-aware creation, and then punished the whole of creation with carnivores/suffering/ageing etc. He then had a look at the results of his punishment, decided it was not only humankind’s fault but the fault of animals acting on instincts with which He programmed them, and sent a flood to kill everyone and everything except those creatures on Noah’s Ark.

I’m not saying God is an irrational psychotic autocrat, but war crimes tribunals have been set up for less.

There is a lovely life-size section of the Ark, where you can walk around and look at how everything was stored on the boat, complete with animatronic puppets and an ‘ask Noah’ section. In this part, kids can ask any one of the four questions they might have (I’ll be honest — I had more than four questions at this point) using one of the buttons in front of Noah. The loveable old chap would then answer at length, putting to rest any doubts young minds might have about the viability of one family building a boat large enough to house two of every single one of the billions of species on the face of the earth.

Think Critically!

The last section encouraged kids to think critically about the world around them, rather than simply accepting things at face value. Here’s an example of critical thinking with reference to a large beetle:

beetle

Critical thinking works a bit different in the Creation museum than the rest of the world, but it boils down to this: if it’s hard, say God did it. Grasshopper mating calls? God. Colourful insects? God didn’t want the world to be boring for us (seriously). Tortoises in Australia? God sent logs after the Great Flood to get them the ten thousand miles from Mount Ararat to Oceania. Any question you could conceivably have — God did it.

By encouraging critical thinking in young Christians, the Creationist museum is showing an entire generation that school is pointless, women are things, self-determination is an illusion and Mom can get an annual pass.